2011: My Bottom Line

I love my sister. She is one of those people who will always be one of my best friends, no matter how far apart we are, no matter how long we go without speaking. She is my family, she is a piece of me that I can't ever get rid of. And no matter what goes on, no matter what happens, nothing can change that.

I don't speak to my parents because I need the space. I need the space for me, for my own mental health, for my own happiness. A lot of people don't understand this and I don't expect them to - it's a situation that is unique to me and my relationship with them. Growing up, my parents were not the same parents to my sister, they were not the same parents as your parents, or your best friend's parents. A family dynamic is different for everyone and this is mine. I don't ask people to understand it, but I truly appreciate those who respect my choices and keep their judgements to themselves.

I don't hate anybody. 2011 was an extremely difficult year for me. I cut ties with my mother and father, I lost my sister for a majority of the year, I made major life-changing decisions. I let go of three children and a job, which I loved and learned more from than any job I've ever had. Did I overreact to some emotional situations? Of course I did. Did I say some things I regretted later? Definitely. But I can't change my past and I learned from it.

I don't hate my sister's boyfriend - I don't know him. He took the one member of my immediate family from me and influenced her to give up her life here in Edmonton for a life with him in New York. She is my little sister - in my mind, nobody will ever be good enough for her. I hope that some of you can understand that. I don't hate my parents - I'm just tired. I was tired of the fighting, of never feeling good enough, of constantly compromising my values and feelings in order to make the relationship work. I don't regret leaving my job, but leaving has made me realize how amazing that family was and how much they taught me about love, family-dynamics and myself.

2011 was a hard year. I changed a lot. I pushed myself to make those changes. Not all of them were easy. I made sacrifices, I cried myself to sleep, I made lists, I over-analyzed. I'm not looking for sympathy, I'm not looking for understanding. You don't have to like my thoughts, my opinions, the changes I made or my feelings. But now you know.

I'm just one person. I'm just human. I fuck things up, I make mistakes. I forgive, I forget. 2011 was a year of challenges, but I worked through them - for me. To make my life worthwhile again. To make myself happy. If you can't understand that - you might want to try it out yourself.

To those shoulders I cried on, to those friends who listened, to those opinions who weighed in on my problems - I am truly thankful. Thank you for your patience, for your support, for your love and acceptance. I hope I can return that love in 2012 and beyond.